wicked Alchemy

2005-06-29T18:46:00.000+08:00

hiatus.

actually thinking of a move.

HAHAHAHA.

2005-05-28T20:47:00.000+08:00

so they tell us to bring these things for LTC. (and all that i'm going to type later on is really what was given to us):

1) One set of college uniform (Not other college's)

2) Two sets of college PE attire + orientation T-shirt + one pair of track pants/jeans

3) One pair of sport shoes (One left, one right)

4) One pair of sandals (Slippers strongly discouraged)

5) Towel

6) Sleeping bag (Must have)

7) Drinking mug (Preferably non breakable & heat resistance)

8) Personal journal (notebook)

9) Pens

10) Personal essential toiletries & medication

11) Sub-block lotion

12) Insect repellent

13) Tissue paper/toilet roll

14) Do not bring more than S$20.20. (Last year was S$20. Due to 2% inflation, this year will add 20 cents)

15) Swimming costumes (For girls)

16) Water bottle

17) Touchlight with batteries & functional lightbulb (No solar powered)

18) Medicated plasters (At least seven strips)

19) Ziplock bags (A few, ensure one hole only)

don't believe me? click here. yeah. my school is cheesy. and they cannot count.

well, well.

2005-05-25T19:50:00.000+08:00

i don't know what more to say about what's happening in this empty apartment. seriously, i feel that we are all just merely strangers sharing the same blood and the same house. we move in and out as and when we like, we act like we care but in actual fact, we are all hurting each other. responsibilities are neglected but no one realises that. changes occur but no one knows that. i notice things, but i guess i'm just as bad as they are, because i don't bother saying it out. maybe because there's no one to tell, no one to talk to. no one.

everyday i look forward to going to school, and when school is over, i just don't want to go back to this empty apartment where all we do is nothing but yell at each other and keep to ourselves. we no longer respect each other. the young just not seem to have any for the older anymore, and the old no longer tolerates the young. i'm not just saying about my relationship with my parents or my brother. but with my sisters, the ones that i have silently watched as they transformed into the monsters they are now. with this, i disrespect myself. i broke the promises i made to myself and to my friends, i cut myself. and as i watched the blood flow, liberating itself from under my skin, i feel a small sense of gratification in the midst of the failure that i feel i was facing, like i had some control, not like this situation that i'm going through.

then i think, where is the love? the heart gets lonely, and the mind starts to think. and i start to develop this paranoia that this will happen to me in the future. anger dominates this family, anger dominates me. i play this mental game with myself: one part of me trying to believe what they are believing, that we are one big happy family woohoo; and the other part urging me to shout to them "HELLO, CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE BREAKING DOWN?". i try to be a good sister, a good daughter, but how can i be when everyone's not willing to compromise? how can i be when no one takes me seriously, when everyone thinks that i have no issues of my own, that i'm just the clown of the family, totally happy-go-lucky and have many friends and that i'm coping well in school? we think we know each other but we don't.

or maybe all this thoughts are not valid at all. maybe i'm just schizophrenic. but whatever it is, it's really getting me.

"maybe i need to see the daylight,

and leave behind this half-life,
can't you see i'm breaking down?"

ok, SCREAM.

2005-05-22T11:08:00.000+08:00

i have tried many times devicing ways to make this sound as vague as possible but all of my plans are not feasible enough because in one way or another, it all becomes obvious who i am talking abt, who i am directing my angst to. so why do i even bother?, i ask myself. then my brains started this mind game; the left debating the right, as i was trying very hard not to think of anything but concentrating on spoiling my once-soft hands by doing the dishes and cleaning the 3-day old leftovers which have seemed to have mould growing on them and smells awfully disgusting, even worse than rotting limbs which i have this dark attraction to. anyway, back to the current subject i have in mind even though i know no one actually pays attention to anything that i am saying:

why study? so that you can get a good qualification and get a good job and have a bright future! -insert a very fake grin/smile here- and it's compulsory for the first ten years anyway. so, as a girl, why study? i freaking have no idea. guys do not like girls to be overly intelligent and we all end up pregnant, and have to stay at home for sometime to take care of the kids, to do the housework and all those shit that WOMEN have to do. let's face it, no matter how much a guy likes his girl intelligent, he wouldn't want his girl to know more than him. and no matter how much of a working woman you are, no matter how high your status is, at the end of the day, you come back home to cook dinner for your family, you clean the house, you manage the kids and you are the one who's going to get the blame when your kids don't do well, not your husband. you may have a maid to do the house chores but in the end, its you who have to entertain your family and most importantly, your husband. so why do we freaking study?

it doesn't matter if i get a PHD or anything, nothing is ever good enough to save me from that dreadful future of being tied down and be a wife and be a mom and be enslaved to what mothers are enslaved to do. others may call it a joy, but i don't know, not me i guess. so i don't really get the point why i go to school when all i end up doing is, THAT. easy, then don't get married. tell me, exactly how many of us do not fall in love? exactly how many of us would want to live in the torment of our relatives who keep pestering us with all sorts of questions and the society which is going to be labelling us "old maids" and think that we do not have the x-factor to be able to get a partner and start having all kinds of dating services and whatnots.

seriously, i feel like just ending all i have right now and like wait to get pregnant or something. but that would mean i would have to actually have to be pretty or something to get some guy attracted to me and get me pregnant and half the time would be staying at home. no, thank you. staying at home would be the last thing that i would have in mind. no, it's not the typical teenage mindset of staying at home is so UNcool. really, it's not. i feel like mentioning it here but that would be exposing my family's privacy. (not that i care but my sister does know where my blog is, and i think my brother does, and prolly half the internet world which bloghops and actually read my rants)

and the only reason that i think they think that i'm okay is because i don't show it. it's not my nature to show my emotions (except for maybe anger), to reveal how i really feel. or maybe i just don't want to know. but oh well, "ALL THE WORLD IS A STAGE".

why i love granna.

2005-05-17T18:45:00.000+08:00

well, this sounds like a kiddy primary school essay but heck, i really do love my granna. and loads too. well, people who are close to me (and those who actually read my blog from the very day i started the old one till now) would know that i do. hmm. so, reasons why i love my granna:

1) cos she'd travel from her house to mine just to send us food cos mom isn't home to bring back/cook dinner and go back home immediately cos she forgot to lock the windows

2) cos she never refuses my kisses, whether i smell funky or nice.

3) cos she makes me smile, no matter how bad i feel.

4) cos she felt so scared when she left for haj when i was 3 months old, cos she was afraid that the plane would crash and she'd never see me again.

5) cos she let me suck on my pacifier even though my dad wouldn't allow it.

6) cos her cooking's DAMN GOOD.

7) cos she used to be my saviour when me and late granda were playing police and thief.(granda was a police before. so duh, i'm the thief.)

8) cos even though she claims to be camera-shy, she'd always take a picture with me and we both look good together. ((:

9) cos she had never turned her back on me, she'd open her door anytime when i come to her.

10) cos i feel so secure whenever i am with her; granna won't ever break my heart.

11) cos granna's so lovely and cool. we'd stay up watching wrestling and laugh at them people in leotards.

12) cos granna pampers me like no one else can.

13) cos i can talk to her openly and she doesn't mind.

14) and cos no matter how screwed up i may end up to be, granna shall always love me too.

there are a million reasons why i love granna, million tiny reasons that maybe even i wouldn't take notice of. everyone needs a person to talk to, to cry to. and granna, you have me and i have you. ((:

okay, my kindergarten thing is done. shoo.

why?

2005-05-15T10:52:00.000+08:00

we often want things that we cannot have; we love the people that we cannot get; we wish for miracles that can never happen; we hope and dream and wait a wait that seems forever.

i want you. i really do. i had you, i did. but circumstances just had to get in the way and that is what irritates me the most. you didn't have time for me then, and i don't have time for you now. i guess it's true that what goes around comes around. and what goes up, MUST come down. i wish this whole ordeal will end, my heart will mend. i've waited long enough for you, and now it's your turn to hold on for me. why do we build each other up, just to let the both of us down? it's been 2 very long years. and there's about one and a half more of waiting to go through. i miss you a whole damn lot. i love you even more. and you tell me you feel the same too.

sometimes, i want to believe you when you tell me that it will be okay. and i try to believe you. sometimes, i just don't. i hope things won't change. but people change right? i don't even know if it's good for the both of us to continue this, or just move on. cos we're neither lovers, nor friends.

and when i hear the radio play our song, i tell myself: weep and think of you, i shall not. but i never succeed.

don't know why i'm being so damn emo.

050505

2005-05-05T15:25:00.000+08:00

this year is insignificant. as in, totally insignificant. woke up in the middle of the night with a surprising amount of birthday messages(prolly the highest number of messages i got at one shot, excluding the survey thing.), my WONDERFUL friend playing me a birthday song on his violin despite the fact that he's not very good and its in the middle of the freaking night, and in the morning: more birthday messages from people i do not expect recieving messages from. well, it wasn't really irritating until we had our Student Development Session. the blurdy topic this week had to be about family and love and respect and yadayadashiznits that are along that line.

i just realised that birthdays are the only time my family gets together. even sometimes we skipped that birthday dinner and that'd be (6 minus 1) times that we actually have dinner together. or get together. or something. heh. i don't know why i'm bitching about this but i think it's just probably because i'm jealous having friends who have family days, or have dinner together with their families every night, or go out together and catch a movie or play the playstation2/xbox together or something. maybe i'm just jealous that their parents have reasonable working hours where as my parents have weird ones, so much so that they have to work on weekends even though the government had imposed this "5-day week" thing last year. okay, so there are other people who are working on weekends but they are mostly salespeople or something along that line. my parents aren't. okay, maybe daddy just HAVE to go to work because he works with the fucking press but mom don't have to work all the time, does she? she's just an executive officer for education. even principals have their weekends away from schools. gah.

ya, so anyway, the 17th is totally insignificant. no shan, no klones, no back four, no shadow, no english partner, no shaq, no nothing. not even someone to accompany me at home. jia xiang's right. i AM a loser. come on world, laugh at me as i sit at home alone, living my life on the internet. heh. if there is one thing that's significant about this birthday. it'd be the date. 050505. kinda reminds me of lin shan. 03. heh. gah. i really should stop reminiscing the moments. all i'll ever feel is loneliness and disappointment.

but thanks for the messages anyway, people. and thanks sadia for the earrings. and ya. that's about it.

BIG GAH.

2005-05-02T19:32:00.000+08:00

TELL ME HOW NOT TO FROWN SO MUCH?!

and it seems that i cannot bitch what i want to here because people actually read my blog and thus there is that possibility that ther person my angst is directed to may get to know of my webspace and do something so drastic that as a result i'll run away from home or kill myself or do something along that line.

you freaking tell me to smile more often, stop frowning, stop thinking too much, stop stressing for no freaking reason but you are contributing even more to all of it. you're not the only freaking one with feelings okay. you get angry, so do i. you get tired, so do i. you get irritated, stressed out, panic-y. WELL, SO DO FREAKING I. you're human, so am i. just because you're of higher superiority don't mean you can make us all feel bad and do things that you don't want to do. hello, we are humans too. you're not the only one. and i wish i can tell it straight to your face, but you're so much older than me, you are the one who raised me (i think), and i know you're a very sensitive person, so much more sensitive than i am, and it would just be wrong for me to tell you how i feel.

and it's also partly because i really don't know how to tell anyone how i feel.

urh.

2005-04-30T21:08:00.000+08:00

okay, this is getting bad. my system's getting all wrecked up- mentally, emotionally and physically. (kay, i'm not sure about physically. but i'm absolutely positive about the other two) i don't know what but it's just that i get so affected by the littlest thing. and my wrecked emotional state affects my mental strength, as in i can no longer able to resist doing stupid things, that temptation of holding back that act of inflicting pain on myself, no longer able to keep my promises i made to my friends, and especially to myself.

it's just that i feel that i'm surrounded by people who are EXTREMELY STUPID AND IRRITATING, people who cannot BEHAVE THEIR FUCKING SELVES even for one miserable second, people whose VOICES ARE SO LOUD AND SCREECHY MAYBE EVEN SLUTTY who do not have the decency to sit properly so that the world do not see their freaking polka-dotted/strawberry-printed/whatever-patterned underwear. and usually most of these bastards are the ones who twist themselves so much, the ones who get so wacked, the ones who went against their moral values and principles just so as to conform to the majority and "be cool". MY ASS LA COOL. you people are like the Gammas and the Epsilons from Brave New World, you people are faceless, the dogs of the society. but there is little hope for you yet, you can rise and be Betas and Alphas but no, you guys obviously do not wish to do that. the norm is cool what. get a life.

why do you like to build me up just to let me down and mess me around?

sigh.

2005-04-16T12:34:00.000+08:00

i want this:

but too bad i'm living in singapore and i've lost contact with good ol' john over at the US o A so there is no possible way i can get it off the net because ebay don't blurdy ship it anywhere else in this whole damn world but US o A. so yeah.

i'm DROWNING myself with self-pity. no Tim Burton's Pin Cushion Queen Tragic Thoughts Journal, no BRAY, no social life, absolutely nothing.

and this is a pathetic entry. -kills self-

dreams.

2005-04-09T21:44:00.000+08:00

"Everyday, you are living in another person's dream". and i find that quote so true. never mind it came from my p.e. teacher, it means so much to me. i realise that i've drowned myself with self-pity(even though i try time and again to manipulate myself to think otherwise) that i have forgotten about those who are far less fortunate as compared to me. i've been so selfish all this while. i thought i had an open mind, but little did i know that my eye was closed, oblivious to the more concrete things around me.

it's a little late (i think alot) to talk about the tsunami disaster but i'm gonna talk about it anyway. when i watched the little video clip on the disaster and people who helped out through various means, i realise that i haven't done anything much to help the people who were affected by the disaster. and i know the exact reason why: it was because i was on a holiday and the whole tsunami thing didn't really hit me in the head and i couldn't care less for natural disasters at that time because i was busy being disappointed over not being able to play all the rides at Genting Highlands.

i see those people, mostly teenagers i add, packing basic necessities like water and dry food into those ziplocks and i've become ashamed of myself because i did not contribute. i saw those people, those children, crying in despair, pain and fury and i'm ashamed of myself because i take my living conditions and the people around me for granted. i never knew, never really understood the importance of these priceless possessions that i have around me.

then should i say that human relationships are fake and plastic? i mean, people don't value the presence of each other until hardship strikes them and they need each other's help. and it's not only that. i come to realise that no matter how close or how sincere you try to be with another person, there is always that element of jealousy and self-importance that doesn't escape you. backstabbing is inevitable. there can never be a single relationship whereby this element of jealousy doesn't pay a visit at all. it's that inevitable.

i don't know what else to say because i really don't know. (yeah, sounds bimbotic but it's the truth.) i'm just so sick of myself. so sick of all these people around me, trying to conform to the preference of others to be accepted in the society, the helpless cries that i have no idea how to reach to. i'm so sick of life itself. i can never be positive about anything, i think. its hard when i'm so pessimistic in an overly optimistic family. i don't know why i'm different in an indifferent society. i really don't. i just wish i'm with the people in Aceh and somehow help them. keep them company or something. but change is difficult. i'm prolly one of those NATO people, but maybe not. i really don't know.

okay, i seriously don't know.

-dreams are telegrams from a hidden world.

finding neverland.

2005-04-03T15:36:00.000+08:00

i have a huge obsession over the fairytale Peter Pan and his strong stand against growing up. i have always wanted to find my own Neverland, a place where i can i escape to, a place where i can confine myself in whenever i feel insecure, but most importantly, a place where my memory remains young and vibrant, a place where i shall never ever grow up.

growing up is inevitable, and i hate the thought of it. i hate it that one day, i'll turn grey and old, awaiting the day of which the angel of death shall come to snatch my soul from my body. i hate it that i would one day have to go out to work and make a living for myself and face all those problems that adults face. i hate it that i have to go to school and then to an office and then to my deathbed. i just hate the thought that we have to go through all these, no questions asked. and with no break, no mercy, no refuge, no escape from time of any kind at all.

and in the process of growing old, there are a lot of changes. not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. surely, physically, it's either you maintain the way you look or you grow skinnier or fatter but all of us shall experience the development of bigger breasts, wider hips, broader shoulders and pubic hair and stuff, although not all at the same rate. and some of us who didn't used to care at all about how we look when we were younger would eventually stare at the mirror with utter bewilderment at the monstrosity that's being reflected before us with, creating a thousand and one possibilities to change the way we look so that people wouldn't laugh at us. that's what i meant by changing physically and mentally. as a kid, i never really cared what i wore, how i look, how poeple think of me. i didn't mind going out shabbily dresses because all i had in mind was to have fun. i'm amazed how simple the mind of a kid may be and everything. now that we're older, we seem to want to make everything seem so complicated. we become for dramatic, exaggerating every little problem that we come across. so redundant, the things that we do.

and the worst part of growing up is that our emotiongs change so drastically that sometimes we cannot cope with the way we feel, that sometimes we let emotions overpower us. and it gets really ugly whenever that happens. i really don't know how to elaborate on this one, but i guess most of us get what i'm trying to say.

i just wished i was a kid again. and again. and again. i want to go back to the time when my parents are always there for me, when fights are much less obvious to me, when i had fun with my friends and my sisters and my cousins, when granda was still alive and granna would always pamper me whenever i slept over her house. when everything was going to be alright no matter what.

and when i was a kid, i wouldn't think that i'm a piece of crap and everything i do is pointless. now that i've grown up, it seems that i'm everything i didn't used to think i was.

gah.

2005-03-25T13:33:00.000+08:00

12 reasons why people don't take me seriously:

1)I seem to exaggerate everything. (although I really think that I don't)

2)I'm too morbid to be given attention.

3)It seems as though there's nothing in the world that I take seriously.

4)I don't care about my "don't care" attitude.

5)I always say that I need an attitude adjustment but I NEVER get myself to work towards it.

6)I stare at empty space, and my tears simply fall without a reason.

7)I am constantly angry. Anger forever lurks my eyes. I frown, frown, frown.

8)Amidst all those frowning, I seem to be a major joker. Like some clown, here to entertain the world but behind her painted smile, a broken heart.

9)See, I told you I'm morbid. But would you believe me? No. So anyway, number 9, I'm forever in dilemma and no one finds it possible.

10)I relate to Prozac Nation very well although my parents aren't divorced and I don't go to summer camp 5 years in a row and do drugs and still manage to go to Harvard.

11)The titles for my blogs are usually how i'd react to things.

12)None of the 11 reasons up there was justified by anyone.

but still, no one takes me seriously. kin should know. he's the only one who takes it seriously that no one takes me seriously. he knows i'm a huge HAHA but he still partially pays attention to my eccentric self. hurr.

rahs better get his violin lessons like soon.

pangs.

2005-03-21T19:50:00.000+08:00

i stepped into the washroom and sat on the toilet just as my sister walked into the kitchen to tell my mother one of her redundant stories for the day. not that i'm annoyed or anything. i'm amazed at this mother-daughter connection that they shared. still sharing, in fact. i'm amazed how my sister can go on and on and on about what happened in school, without feeling awkward or leaving any little out of the picture, and how my mother can stand listening to her as my sister goes on babbling about things that don't affect my mom's life or anything. it's just simple amazing. i wonder how come i never do that. heh.

naaah, rahs reminded me that i'm just partially autistic.

rahs+me=utterly bad attempt at speaking the malay language. grr.

STILL WASTED.

2005-03-20T14:58:00.000+08:00

i am still wasted. KL TRIP WAS A BORE AND I SHALL NOT MENTION IT HERE.

dengan itu, saya berkeputusan untuk mengeblog dalam bahasa melayu. saya tidak mengetahui mengapa saya terdesak untuk menulis dalam bahasa melayu tetapi, what the heck, saya tidak memerlukan apa-apa alasan untuk meluahkan perasaan saya (wth, what perasaan?) dengan cara sedemikian di dalam lelaman internet ini.

fuck, that is totally wrong. i need to get more spray paint to spray my eyes with. pearl white would be nice. but im sick of pearl white. red, maybe? then it'll look like blood. black, black would portray the hollowness in me.

i'm.. wasted.

2005-03-17T18:39:00.000+08:00

my creative juices (juices sounds.. sexual. teehee.) have somehow dried up. OR they manage to dry up before i'm done using them up. okay. that doesn't sound right. which just justifies my hypothesis that my creative juice is evaporating.

and that whole paragraph is utter crap. march hols are somehow, productive in a way. got sick. recovered. cleared the junk in my room. packed my room. painted my dirty wall. half-way spray painting a whole load of shit on my painted dirty wall. gonna go to KL (<3!!!!) tomorrow. get a whole new wardrobe, a whole new shoerack, a whole new dvd playlist. gonna meet selene sometime soon. ((: gonna get the posting results. and gonna go to school.

"How NTUC affects your life". what the heck. heh. but it's for a thousand dollars. so let's earn quick cash! :D

honestly, i'm totally uninspired. -bashes the empty space around me-

2005-03-12T19:09:00.000+08:00

i feel like smashing my head into the monitor.

break the glass. let my fucking head bleed. get a concussion. die or something. join sunny in the ICU. just vanish, be gone.

and all these unspoken cries of trying to grasp some sort of attention is fucking wasting my time because no one is fucking listening.

no matter what i do, how hard i try, i still cannot convince myself why i am treated this freaking way. me, living, seems very senseless right now. they should just let my spirit go. or something.

my heart's in my fucking mouth right now. i'm going hurt myself again. like who cares.

fuck.

2005-03-09T21:23:00.000+08:00

i hate it the way everyone expects me to know everything.

i hate the way i have to be there for her and she's never there for me.

i hate it that he almost killed himself and part of the reason was because i was busy worrying about my fucking future which is still a big question mark.

i hate it every sentence that i typed above started with "I".

but there was never an "us" nor a "we". okay. they are taking me for fucking granted. and i don't fucking need their wings to fly. all i need is me me me. all i need is I.

lingering, fading.

2005-03-06T10:10:00.000+08:00

My sun used to shine so bright,

It used to light up my life,

Used to give me life.

My sun used to be High Up in the sky,

Ruthless,

Untouchable,

Confident and High Up in the sky.

My sun used to shine so bright,

oh so very bright.

My sun brought me life,

evaporate every drop of worry away,

evaporate every aspect of trouble away.

My sun's no longer up in the sky.

It's light, just slightly,

lingering... fading;

Freezing the very earth i stand on,

my life on hold.

:((:

2005-03-05T20:56:00.000+08:00

trying to shut this stupid voice inside me,

but to no avail.

trying to think of happy, happy thoughts,

but the voice just comes back,

taunting me.

i'm nuts.

forever waking up in a pool of excrement,

deluding myself:

i'm lying on a bed of roses.

when tears form, without a reason,

and no one hears your pathetic cries.

i'm really nuts.

on a lighter note, i'm loving my duncan sheik cd.

post-results nightmare.

2005-03-03T11:53:00.000+08:00

when u get bad results, it's bad. because there're limited choices of where you may go, AND you'll get screwed by your parents, boycotted even. and then you'll have to face a whole load of unsincere people who feel that they have to console you even though they are smiling to themselves. and when you get good results, it's bad too. because you have so many choices, you cannot make up your mind. you parents will forever expect good grades from you AND you have to console people who did worse than you even though you're smiling to yourself.

i am the latter, if anyone who's reading this is wondering.(which i doubt anyone is actually reading this, other than myself). and even though i've submitted my application, i'm still confused. which i shouldn't be by now. but howell, i'm not making any sense. since when do i make any sense at all? grr.

my life's slowly restructuring. thanks to sgtkhrl. figure it out, kids.

kin, he is a nice person you know.

paranoid.

2005-02-27T20:53:00.000+08:00

i am totally going bonkers. results are going to be out tomorrow at 1400 hours. and thank goodness i'm not the only one. shez, fit and ally are all going bonkers with me. so i'm not the only paranoid one.

the only time i wasn't going bonkers was when i was with baked beans just now. ((: watched a lousy movie (white noise. i'm telling you, it's not scary at all. don't watch it. it's not even suspenseful. lousy plot and everything. i watched it for free anyway, so don't watch it unless someone else is paying for you), catched up a whole damn lot with her. i feel happy for her. -zips my lips together- heh. before i let out things that i should not, i'd go back to my current obsession.

i've got nothing to say actually. i have obvious eyebags now. gee.

dangeatshitfuckanddie.

hmm.

2005-02-25T21:51:00.000+08:00

it's hard when arun starts describing a fellow J1 student as "a small-sized girl who looks a little bit ang moh-ish" and expects me to have a rough idea which one. that casanovic personality of his has never departed from his soul ever since he left bowen three years ago, although he claimed that it has.

i'm like in a dilemma right now. kl or bbq. kl or bbq. kl or bbq? personally, i would want to go to the bbq, but i want to go to kl too. but kl's only for a day. but bbq has other people, apart from 1T10 people. but this kl trip would be the last time i'd be able to see Uncle Min and my 2 german cousins till further notice. but this bbq may be the last T10 gathering. I'M LIKE IN A CRISIS LA.

okay. so results will be out on monday. and i alsolutely cannot stand the waiting. even my sentences aren't making any sense. well, maybe if i go to kl tomorrow, i can get my mind off things that are happening in singapore for a while. and maybe even get away from religious class on sunday. whee. okay. i'm totally going ballistic but no one's paying any attention to that, which is bad because once i'm mad, it's hard to control me. yearhs. which is exactly why i should stop where i am right now because i'm really not making any sense at all.

white feet, black face.

2005-02-22T16:40:00.000+08:00

no, the title's not supposed to be racist or anything. granna just had to mock me for having such a dark face(read:sunburnt) and such fair feet. we were waiting for the red man to turn green at the pedestrian crossing when she started staring at my feet and saying,"Eh, kau sebenarnya putih eh. Tengok kaki kau. Ah! Putihkan? Muka je gelap sikit. Entah kenapa. Kecil-kecil kau putih mepelepak macam Cina.."(translation: Eh, you're actually fair! Look at your feet, it's so white! Only that you're face is a little too dark. Wonder why. When you're younger, you're so white like a Chinse!) like, whatever granna. that's so lame. but really, i just have to blame singapore for being so close to the equator and getting so much sun. i'm so tanned la.

i hate it when granna talks about death. like how her motive of not spending her money by travelling around the world during her old age will prevent her children from having disputes over her medical bills later on. it's not as if my uncles and my mum(yeah, my mum has 10 brothers. she's the only girl.) would fight over that matter. nothing of that sort happened when gramps passed on. in fact, it brought the extended family closer together. us cousins are closer, anyways. i hate it when granna worries about the twinned uncles. it's not her fault that they end up like that. they're adults! they should know what's right and what's wrong. they should know how to manage their lives. but they just can't seem to help but making her worry about how they live their lives, their jobs, where they live. oh goodness. even the youngest among them uncles are better off than the twinned uncles. it just angers me that their stupid actions are hindering my grandmother to enjoy what's left of her old age. she should be relaxing, and not worrying about them big boys.

i love my granna alot. a whole damn lot. so many times i cried with her, so many times i cried for her. so many times i cannot forgive myself because i didn't spent much time with her. so many times i become mad at myself because i couldn't accompany her whenever she's alone. i hate the fact that she's living on her own. i mean, yeah, those twinned uncles are living with her, but most of the time she is alone because those twinned uncles have odd jobs. i hate to think that she's lying down in front of the tv alone(it's either she's watching it or it's watching her), or talking on the phone, or in the kitchen making curry puffs for us and then asking someone to come over and pick them up so we can keep them in the freezer and fry them whenever we're hungry. i'm so angry whenever she comes over and cooks for us, and no one bothers to call me or someone else so that we'll at least come home earlier because granna'll wait until someone comes home. either that, or she'll clean the house, to tell us that she's been here, and leave because we're too late. i'm mad at my parents for not allowing me to live with her for a while. i hate it that sometimes i am too busy with my stupid, superficial, unimportant teenage life, that i forget to drop by and say hi, sit with her, joke with her, help around with the housework although it's never messy, just be with her for an hour or two. i don't know why i'm saying this or anything. i just love my granna a whole damn lot.

and i hate it when she wonders why God didn't take her along with gramps. of all the people who can break my heart, granna crushes it the worst whenever she says that. if granna goes, i wanna go too..

(:

2005-02-20T08:43:00.000+08:00

i slept for 13 fucking hours.

and to think i made so much fuss about losing sleep in my previous post. heh.

hani told me that by brother dreamt of me getting 4 pts for my o's. which i think is practically impossible because i must get a minimum of 6 pts for my L1R4/5 if i'm to get 4 points after the respective deduction of points due to higher malay only. and because i have no constant cca, i think his dream would remain as a dream because getting 6 shall never happen to a student from bowen secondary school. although there IS a chance that it may happen, i still think not.

i really really really hope to get into the NAFA-NIE art teacher training scheme. at least my fees would be paid, i'd get subsidies, i get a job after that, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, i get to do what i love. yeah. and apart from that, my getting into that teaching scheme would at least lessen the burden on my dad's shoulders a little bit. and get an allowance raise or something.

sigh, sometimes i wish i can just burst my head instead of just my veins everytime. because kin is still right, i think waaay too much.

jeepers.

2005-02-18T18:50:00.000+08:00

i haven't been having enough sleep. why? because results are in a week. and i shall not talk about it here because that'd be thinking about it all the time ever since angel told me the most accurate assumed date for the release of the results. so yeah.

as i've said earlier, i'm going to miss cj. now that the fact that results day is drawing near is finally sinking into my head, i'm already starting to miss cj. i'm going to miss 1T10 a whole damn lot. i'm going to miss glen's random shits, all the weird languages the class speaks, angie,don and practically the whole class cheering me on to not give up during p.e.(which actually works), crossing the bridge with char and sudev, the happening class outings, the obsession of the lamest things on earth, all the green tea, everything about 1T10. and cj: i'm going to miss alia, shikin, mcron, colin, BRYAN, slacking during mcs, the brownies, the fruit juice stall, the 11 vending machines, isaac lim, april chok, pricilla lee, cikgu yati, the dysfunctional malay class.. gee. sounds as if i'm enjoying my first three mths(okay, 2 at least). i do, lah. i just don't like the work. i'm paying attention in econs now, but i just don't know if i'm going to make it if i stay. i'm not even sure of poly right now. let's just hope i get into the teacher training thing. or else i'd depend on my results whether i want to stay there or go to a poly. i'm really clueless. lord, help me. i really need your help. i just don't know what to do with my life. people think that i'm the type of person who dares to take risks, which is partly true, but i am afraid too. i'm really afraid if whatever i'm going to do, i'd regret it. which i really really really hope not.

it's a wonder how i can hate you so much and still not get over you completely. i've been humilated, treated as a fool and yet i think about you at times. although i have other distractions now, somehow, you just appears for no reason. and i really hate it when that happens because that's when i start missing you and then i'd remind myself that it's over and things can never be the same again. i'm not being emotional about this, no. i'm just amazed how messed up feelings can be. the human is too complex. love, is too complex. love, is a blurred fingerprint.

"she cried all the tears stored in her soul, saving none for later sorrows.." -Eva Luna. by someone someone.

/beams

2005-02-14T14:20:00.000+08:00

bryan bryan bryan!

bryan gave me a rose.

oh bliss.

and when i told kin, the conversation is as follow:

me: kin. i've a rose.

kin: and i've a nose.

me: me too! do you think it's coincidental?

kin: no. you copy cat.

me: no lah. mine cuter.

kin: right. and who always pinches who?

gee.

scary people.

2005-02-12T21:48:00.000+08:00

from najiah:

If I'm not wrong, according to her, the 1st two classes from Rosyth are at RJ.

so, tell me, HOW COME I'M AT CJC?

because i was from 06. not 01 or 02. but.. *shrugs*

rosyth people are scary people. rosyth teachers are scary people. rosyth is a madhouse.

no wonder i'm like this. i was from there. gee.

memories.

2005-02-08T19:11:00.000+08:00

i miss bowen. i miss all of it. from the lessons, to the teachers, to the canteen vendors, to the homeroom and toilets, to the homework, to the danapal and to the schoolmates and friends.

i miss shan. i really miss you dood.

sigh, but all those are just fond memories to keep close right inside my heart. and i shall bring it to wherever i go. because, that was the best part of my life. so far.

and very soon, i shall miss cj. the people, the hatred. and it'll be another memory that i'll bring with me through life. because i know, at least i can say, i tried.

the next stepping stone is rather scary. the uncertainty in the decisions that i'll be making is just unbearable. i don't want to look back and regret. sometimes, i just don't know what the hell i should do with my life.

everyone keeps on fighting at home. i just want to run away and never say goodbye. i'm so tired of portraying these bloody fake smiles. i'm so tired of trying to be with the family when it's so clear in front of me that it's falling apart.

dreams, aren't for real.

2005-02-01T13:08:00.000+08:00

oversleeping and skipping school doesn't serve much as fun but at least i've got some time to complete the four-page essay that's due today(which is partly the reason for my absence from school this morning) and the two newspaper article the malay teacher wants by thursday. so anyway, my late night reading of books which describes the simplicity of country life vividly and my oversleeping has caused me to dream of things that i really wish was true.

i dreamt of waking before dawn, climbing a five-barred gate and sitting on top of it as the rising sun cast its first fingers of light across the misty landscape and the sky to the east, streaking with pink and a glorious apricot colour. i dreamt you sitting next to me, enjoying the same view but with a different perspective. then we'd climb down together and skip into the barn to milk the cows before we have breakfast of fresh scrambled eggs and toast with goldish-red home-made maple syrup. i dreamt of sipping tea out of tiny china cups, spreading strawberry jam and butter on freshly-baked scones on the porch with you as the sun slowly descends behind the crimson of the clowds. i dreamt of sitting by you on the rug next to the fire and enjoying the soft jazz music and the cackle of the coals and the weird sounds of the crickets in the background. it'll be so nice. just you and me, just you and me, just you and me.

but of course, it is all but a dream.

sunday morning.

2005-01-30T11:09:00.000+08:00

i woke up to the call of Bittersweet Symphony,

sunk me teeth into two bananas. and then-
SHIT ALOT.

nothing good to update. i'm just doing this out of boredom. mel's right. blogging is addictive. it's like an asylum for boredom. blogging. other than the tube. but of course. the tube doesn't show anything good nowdays. so might as well get stuck to the virtual reality and talk nonsense with nonsensical people like me. yearhs.

something fr the english partner's blog:

I'm not the boy next door, I'm the guy who lives upstairs. I piss you off cause i jump about my house, bang my doors hard, empty my bowl of noodle out the window onto your hanging clothes and play loud music.

that is so true. he's not normal, people.

withdrawal.

2005-01-24T18:15:00.000+08:00

i'm withdrawing from cjc. i NEED to. i MUST. i'm suffocating at that place. i have no interest whatsoever in jc life anymore. i was never interested in the first place. my mom forced me to go and try out for the first three months. fine, i tried. and i don't like it. and it's only been three weeks. i hate it. i hate the lectures, i hate the tutorials, i hate the p.e. lessons. i hate it. there's no point for me going there if i have no interest at all and all i do there is daydream and doodle on sick, sadistic stuff on my foolscap paper, pretending to take notes during lectures and trying very hard not to fall asleep in class which is rather difficult since i sit right in front of the class and i'm right under my teacher's nose.

but my mother would not understand. my mother thinks that i'm like her. she doesn't want to register it in her freaking head that i'm not like her, that i actually want to do something else instead of going through what she and my dad and my brother did. the primitive jc route to university. why can't she understand for a change that i am not her and i'm just not that type of person who'd be able to study under such circumstances? my sister may do the same, but no, not me. i hate living up to her standards, only ending up to be so fucking stressed up and my mind gets all tightened and all i want to do is run away and slash myself so the pain will trickle along with my blood drop by drop.

THIS IS NEVERENDING. my mother will never learn to understand me. i do not understand why she manages to understand other people, so many other people.. but not me. i keep telling myself that i'm used to this shit that has been going on since forever but it seems that reality is decieving my thoughts. and now all i can make out about my life is that it's pretty messed up and bullshit. damn it. i hate this feeling. like i can never escape it. i hate it that i'm whining to no one. i hate to think that i'm a whiner, whatever. classify all these under teenage angst, i don't care. i just need an asylum. badly.

and there's no freaking one who can provide it.

a&j english lessons.

2005-01-20T22:30:00.000+08:00

it's usually b&j's for ben's&jerry's but its a&j now for atiq's&jason's english snippets 2004. really, i've nothing to do. so here goes:

snippet no. 1

jason: (writes something on his desk)

me: have a nice day jason? what the..

jason: yeah, have a nice day jason. (smiles sheepishly)

snippet no. 2

jason: i have no life

me: you can say that again..

jason: i have no life. (pauses) can i say that again? (grins)

snippet no. 3 (oh, this is a sweet one)

jason: where's the sweet on the table?

me: i ate it.

jason: you ate the sweet?

me: yeah. it's mine anyway..

jason: alamak.. sweets are bad for you. i die young, never mind. but you are a treasure to the world..

i told you the last one was nice. (: i'm tired of going through my past archives searching for snippets. so tt's it. yearps. go do something else, kids.

gee.

2005-01-18T19:11:00.000+08:00

there's this ache in my heart that has been within me ever since i can remember. this ache, this weight, anchoring me from feeling liberal and justified for the things that i do. and i know i can never get rid of this ache because i can never tell them how i feel. the guilt, the trauma, the living truth that's been with me for a very long time. and no matter how many times i've constructed and dictated the conversation in my mind, i can never bring myself to actually make it happen. i can never be able to tell them how i really feel. cos it'll just hurt everyone. yes, everyone. the liberation of this guilt would then just lead me to another guilt. so might as well bear the pain.

i want to feel belonged. but i'm never belonged. somehow i always feel that i'm living with two-faced people, taking me like i'm some kind of fool, like i'll buy their flattery there and then. and i can tell who these people are. because they are the one who can't look at me in the eye and say what they really feel. wait. pause. don't even go to the part about what they really feel. they can't even look me in my eye and say what they want to say. the redundant things, anything. and everyday, i have to deceit myself and play along with their little game, giving in to alot of things.

i don't know why i'm putting up an act in front of everyone, masking my true feelings and ability. i don't know why i keep on doing things that i don't like, that i hate just so i can please other people's hearts. i don't know when to stop acting, in the first place, i didn't even realised that i started. but now that i realized what i've been doing all along, it starts to hurt a whole damn lot and i can't find a way to stop this bullshit. i sit in a corner to reflect on my life, and i ended up discovering that i'm just another faceless person in this world of pseudonomity; that everyday i wake up and i'm with a different persona. and so what shakespeare said was true after all. all the world is a stage..

youth

2005-01-15T20:25:00.000+08:00

kinda gonna let this place known to only certain people, so yeah. re-used the template because current pc does not have my photoshop or my psp= unable to create layouts. that's partly why i haven't been designing pages. the other 2 reasons are jc is a drag, as in its really tiring, and i'm just plain lazy. but whatever.

and yet it is another saturday wasted. didn't go out, didn't complete my homework whatsoever and dreading tomorrow because mom is expecting me to attend sunday school. sunday school is totally useless, really. the teachers practically flirt with the guys and the male teachers are utter lame. the only lesson that's all fun and weird is arabic lessons. i don't understand a single word, but yeah. it gets me so confused so yeah.

my literary techniques are dwindling as time goes by. i was required to write an essay for GP on tuesday or something and i was really confident that my essay was going to turn out the way i want it to be. but i suppose my short hiatus from blogging and writing had affected me as such that writing is not spontaneous anymore. but what the heck, it's a new year. so hopefully i'll be able to pick up my skills again. and it better be soon. i don't know why i'm stressing on this but jc is kinda stressful, trying to keep up with people from higher status schools. so yeah. damn, i've been using that phrase alot. so yeah. BANG. i'll shoot myself.

ms chok discussed about youth culture during GP sometime yesterday or thursday or something. i can't seem to remember the time or day anymore, howell. anw, someone suggested that youth is a voiceless generation suppressed by the system. and i think that it's very true. and it seemed that ten minutes ago i had a lot to say and now after watching an exerpt of lion king 2, i totally forgotten about it so let's just push it to another day.

something's definately wrong with me.

rebirth

2005-01-02T22:34:00.000+08:00

it's weird now that it's a new year. i feel no different, really. i'm still the same old me. still very full of teenage angst, still very confused. i don't really feel the joy of celebrating a new year. i'm quite afraid of it, actually.. i'm afraid of making the same mistakes over again. i'm afraid of the challenges that i'll be facing. i just so so afraid that this will be the last year i'm living. i'm so afraid that this will be the last year i'll see the people i love. i don't know. call me paranoid, whatever.

i really want to tell someone how i feel. but i just can't. somebody, help me. as if anyone is even reading this thing i'm posting over the internet. stupid girl, just talking to herself..

breakaway

2004-11-23T10:21:00.000+08:00

i need to break away from the other world, the world that i've been living with a mask covering my face, hiding my true self from the rest of the world. many times i wish i can just be myself and let everything go, and for once, smile straight from my heart but i just can't. i'd rather hurt myself than others, for that matter. i believe that i have many great insights but none of them i can really reveal. i live in a world where everybody thinks that everything is perfect and everything is alright. i live in a world where everyone is afraid to realise that nothing is perfect and there are circumstances that may turn out ugly and not what they wish for. i wish they would just open up their eyes and realise that this life they are leading are simply mundane lifestyles and they'd probably would not be able to get out of it unless they wake up and see.

in your crowd, who can you really trust? who is your true, genuine friend? how would you know that he/she is not backstabbing you. you're not God, you can't hear everything and know everything. how can you be so sure that your "friend" is not spilling out your beans to others? how can you trust one person so much? how can you put your trust in one person and at the same time knowing that the person is liable to betray you in one point of his/her life? how can you put your faith into someone knowing that the person isn't perfect, knowing that the person may hurt you. how can someone really trust another? that i don't understand.

i never want to be too close to a person. i never want such a secure relationship with anyone. misunderstandings, fights, quarrels, breakups and divorces happen. there are too much pain involved in a relationship. maybe because i'm afraid to get hurt again. maybe because i'm afraid that the relationship may drift apart. i'm quite conservative, i know. and i know that in life, we meet many different people. but what if i don't went to meet many different people? what if i want to discover that one true and secure group of people and never get hurt? of course, that will never be.

and all of your vows for being there for me and for being friends forever, i pushed aside. because when i looked into your eyes yesterday, i saw nothing but betrayal and guilt. whatever have happened to you? why did you turn out that way? just what have i done to you to deserve this unspoken pain that is stabbing my heart over and over again? but then again, i never trusted you, i never trusted anyone. and it's just too bad that my heart is cold. that i am a cold bitch. that i am not very good in making friends, and not very good in letting go either. i wish you success in life. but in return, just get out of mine.